The American foster care system is never an easy discussion and being a former foster youth and dealing with trauma is something that I still deal with to this very day. There are some days that I am able to wake up, put my mask on, and act like everything is okay. Making everyone laugh and being adorable, without anyone knowing about the deep battles of depression,anxiety, abandonment, and trust issues that I deal with day to day. Dressed everyday including make up and hair did with the thought like no one can faze you yet you would rather want to be left alone and do you all day with no make up on and turn off all social media. Not knowing that I am a really outgoing young woman who wants to be social, laugh with everyone else, and turn up but is turned off to the extra loud, overbearing, and overpowering consumption of people who want to fit in but have flaws like everyone else.
Most foster youth run alone, not with a lot of people just because for the simple fact that people probably since the age of five, have been in and out of there lives since then. That also means that it’s really hard to make close bonds with people and have healthy relationships because there was no stable foundation that showing how to deal with people and love ones because everyone was either lying to you or moving you from one home to another. Usually most children pick up unhealthy ways to deal with the fact that people in there lives are never who they say they are on they don’t advocate for them. I know for me I self medicated a lot (smoked a lot drank a lot and it got worse when my mother passed away), I lied a lot to cover up what I was feeling, and I even pushed away people that I knew I needed around me.
These are some of the issues that I have faced throughout my life and I am taking it one day at a time, dealing with these issues.
The reason my group of friends are so small is that I don’t run with everyone simple as that. I am a lone wolf, someone who is known by everyone but only a few really know me. I can portray on social media that I have everything together but knowing dang well I have a group of small friends that understand me because at the end of the day they can be all different and yet have the same mind state like myself.
I know growing up, in the group home, you could never have friends because in the end they where going to go home with a foster parent or their biological parents and you are going to be stuck dealing with feeling like your in prison. For some, you grow up hating your parents and wondering if you have any worth because people who 6/10 times aren’t your family are raising you and most likely when you get older, you’re going to feel like empty and alone. That’s what I am still dealing with as an adult. But it’s going to get better! Just take it one day at a time and understand that life has so many chapters in your journey that its only the start of the story!
When dealing with abandonment issues, it’s never easy, but overtime your thoughts get better. Once you start to deal with it and acknowledge it then it’s easier to deal with it. I know I have trust issues because at the end of the day people always have either good or bad intentions but you just have to take your time and get to know people. I know it’s okay to be quite and observe, you learn a lot from a person who is the loudest one in the room.
Over time I felt as I was becoming an adult, realized that what I have when through has made me a stronger person. I know that my story can be something that can inspire not just people who work in the foster care system but young people who are trying to find the inner hope that they need to be able to go on in there life and be able to keep going.
this is just the beginning of my story and my testimony I just want to document it one blog post at a time.